Fair is foul and foul ain't fair ...

... when you hover through the fog with Ryanair.



Introducing "Macbêter" (the Sheffield play) a romantic tragedy based on the life events of NT, featuring critical adaptation by AH Horn!!1!



Act I Scene I
[Niall, Brendan and Mike are at their respective computers chatting over Google Talk]
Niall: I think we should go to Sheffield to watch some snooker.
Brendan, Mike: Yes.
[Exunt]

Act I Scene II
[The heroes have agreed to go to Sheffield to watch the world snooker championship, and have arranged transportation, tickets and accommodation. Niall realised he has lost his passport so calls Ryanair's helpline for assistance.
Having dialed the number and waited for like five minutes Niall finally gets through to someone on the other end]
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man one: Thank you for waiting. My name is Generic oursourced Indian customer service man one, how can I be of assistance?
Niall: Hiya, I'm an Irish citizen and will be flying from Dublin to Doncaster on Sunday. However I've lost my passport. Will I be able to fly with my national age card [an identification card saying you're over 18 for pub-access]?
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man one: Yes you will sir.
Niall: That's fantastic. Just to clarify I can fly with the age card?
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man one: Yes sir.
Niall: Thanks a lot. Have a good day for yourself.
[Hangs up]

Act I scene III
[Mike, who organised the plane tickets, has the facility to check himself and Brendan in online before even being at the airport (with their respective passport numbers). Niall, having found out that he doesn't need a passport to fly to the UK, phones the Ryanair helpline, once more, to determine if there's a means of exploiting this early check-in to save time. He phones the helpline and minutes of waiting pass ...]
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man two: Hello, I'm Generic outsourced Indian customer service man two. Thank you for holding. How can I be of assistance?
Niall: Hi there. I'm planning to fly to Doncaster from Dublin on Sunday with two friends of mine. They both plan to check in early online with their passport numbers, but I've only got a national age card. Is there any facility for early check-in with this?
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man two: I'm afraid not sir. Your friends may check-in early, but you will be required to do it at the check-in queue with your age card.
Niall: OK. That's great. Thanks for your time. You've been very helpful.
Generic outsourced Indian customer service man two: Have a good day, sir.
[Hangs up]

---

Act II scene I
[Time has come for the heroes to voyage across the country to watch the forces of the worlds greatest snooker players do battle for the title of world champion... more or less. Brendan, Mike and Niall are in a train on the ways up to Dublin.]
Niall: I'm so excited!
[Exunt]

Act II scene II
[The heroes have ventured from Cork through Limerick junction and other unseemly places, done battle with foes unmentionable, and lived to tell the tale. They met up with a friend in Dublin, Richard, and proceeded to a public house.]
Mike: Lets go to <insert random pub's name here>
Others: OK.
[<insert pub's name here> was full]
Mike: Lets go somewhere else.
Others: OK.
[The heroes find another pub, enter and order a coke, Smithwick's, Guinness and Budweiser.]
Niall: I'm so excited.
[Scene closes]

Act II scene III
[After a single drink in the pub the night before, the heroes were tireded from the journey, the heroes wake up in Mike & Richard's living room, ready and prime for the last leg of the journey. They rise at about 10AM. Richard, injured from a battle along the route, was unable to continue* to the final cycle, but the other heroes did vow to avenge his injuries on Sheffield.]
Niall: I'm so excited.
[They ride the Luas to the city centre and grab a convenient bus from there to the Airport. Brendan and Mike have both already checked-in and Niall sends them upstairs as there is no point on their queuing with him at the check-in counter. Niall walks to the counter.]

Act II scene IV
Niall: Hi there. I'd like to check into this flight, please. Here're my crediantials.
Generic clerk: That's good, sir. Now can I have your passport.
Niall: Yeah. Here's my identification [Niall hands the national age card].
Generic clerk: ... we don't accept that form of identification for travel.
[Niall, who is genetically unable to show any emotion of much sort on his face looks genuinely shocked]

* Richard wasn't ever going, anyway. Just Mike, Brendan and Niall.

---

Act III scene I
[Same scene as before. Act change to add drama to the play.]
Niall: Excuse me?
Generic clerk: I'm sorry, but that's our policy.
Niall: I called the helpline and asked, twice, if this ID would suffice for travel. Travel between the UK and Ireland does not require a passport, afterall. but I did specifically ask twice on the phone if it would do and was told it would, twice.
Generic clerk: I'm very sorry about that. But there's nothing I can do to help you. I'll call my manager over. If anyone can help you out she can.
Niall: Thanks. I appreciate that.
[The genuine clerk leaves his cockpit and finds his manager, and brings her to the party.]
Bitch: What's the problem?
Niall: [... explains the situation ...]
Bitch: Too bad. You can't fly.
[Niall's eyes, who were proved not to open wide, go wide.
Niall reiterates the fact that he was informed he could travel.]
Bitch: That didn't happen. The passport-only policy has been in for five years. Nobody would say that.
[Bitch leaves]
[Niall looks to Generic Clerk whose mouth was open in surprise. Niall then proceeds to go upstairs to Mike and Brendan.]

Act III scene II
[Niall finds Brendan and Mike in a café upstairs]
Niall: [... explains the situation ...]
[Brendan and Mike are shocked. Exunt]

Act III scene III
Brendan: Lets go down and sort this out.
[Goes downstairs and can't sort it out.]
[Niall says farewell to Brendan and Mike and returns to Dublin city to go home, and tells Brendan and Mike to enjoy the crucible's finest snooker.]

---

Act IV scene I
[Niall finds his way to the train station and collects his ticket and the train leaves. He plays with his phone the way down, playing involving texting obscenities about Ryanair to his friends.
On the journey a random old woman walks over to Niall's seat.]
Random old woman: You know if you collect the bottle caps from cans you can give them to a shop in Dublin and they'll donate them to a charity in Africa that'll make artificial limbs from them.
Niall: That's fantastic! Why don't we get told about these things?
Random old woman: I don't know. I really don't know.
[25 minutes into the journey the train stops, and it was dead for 45 minutes. Eventually an announcement is announced that tells the passengers that the train needs to be towed backwards for 10 minutes whereupon the passengers would join the passengers of the next train.]

Act IV scene II
[Train has been towed back to the previous station. The passengers of the train have exited. The second train hasn't yet arrived. The skys empty their sponges of rain to complete the patheticfallacy. The train arrives 10 minutes later.]

Act IV scene III
[The last hero is on the train back to Cork again and an announcement is announced telling the passengers of free tea and coffee and cold drinks to the passengers who were so delayed. Niall indulges.]

Act IV scene IV
[Niall arrives in Cork an hour and a half after he was meant to and purchases comfort-steaks, comfort-ice cream, and is currently sipping on a whiskey.]

---

Act V scene I
[Bitch dies a horrible horrible death]

End.



So ends the telling of the tale.

My dad told my sister when she was young that she could call someone 'bitch' if they really deserved it.